Back to Arizona :)

 2020… am I right?

It’s been a while since I’ve used this space to put my thoughts into words. Some people can just absorb everything that happens in their life to them in their own heads. Some put everything in the form of 14 paragraph Instagram captions. Others tweet to the point where they literally get banned from all social media platforms and lose a presidential election. I like to write, and sometimes publish my thoughts on the internet for 6-10 people (mostly immediate family) to see.

My life for the past... 48 months?

The past year wasn’t an easy one for me, or really anyone in the world. The pandemic put me in situations I never thought I would be put in, and forced me to make some challenging decisions I was not emotionally expecting to make at this point in my life.  After some stressful months, I recognized where my headspace was at, and realized that I wasn’t happy with the track that my life was on. I felt like I had so many things that I wanted to do, places I wanted to live, people I wanted to spend time with, and I needed to take action. I want to be able to look back with no regrets.

Crocs store... Yeah I got new ones!

Without going into too much detail, In early September I packed up what I thought I might need for races and for training, and headed back to Fort Collins to go live with some generous friends. My overall stress levels shot down. I started to feel more confident in myself as a human and as an athlete. And while mental health doesn’t improve overnight (it takes a loooong time) I did notice more positive thought patterns and slightly more optimism. So I decided to race Memphis 70.3 and just see what would happen.

Up in the mountains 

I started writing this blog on the plane on the way home from Memphis 70.3 - a race that while originally I was incredibly embarrassed by - I’m now actually pretty proud of. After reading through some of my old blogs I noticed some patterns. My mindset played a massive role in how I perceived myself and my performance, and my actual performance from a results standpoint. So while I was feeling really positive about moving back to Fort Collins and confident that my body was in a good spot, I know that in the days leading up to the race I had an incredibly negative mindset about the potential race dynamics that might unfold. The reality is, I’m not an awesome swimmer - especially without a wetsuit, or bike rider in the rain. And in the days leading into the race, I realized I was probably going to have 1-3 people to swim with, and it was going to be raining the entire time during the bike, and I don’t ever ride my bike in the rain! In my head, the field was stacked against me, and I was already anticipating getting embarrassed before the event had even started.

Rolling back in at Boulder 70.3

Physiologically, the race went OK. I had a swim where I came out further back than I’d like, but also not necessarily around poor swimmers (Taylor Reid, George Goodwin). I rode behind George Goodwin for like 12-15 miles, and averaged like 310w for the first 30 mins, got dropped like a bad habit, and then rode my own pace for the rest of the bike - bleeding time, especially on anything that remotely resembled a turn. I got off feeling pretty demoralized, and down on myself for being so far behind the lead group. Which obviously I have no control over how hard or fast they bike. I wanted to drop out after 3 miles, peed, then somehow went on to run the last 8 miles under 6-minute pace - and didn’t really even feel like I was racing.

On the run at Boulder 70.3

But the bigger thing was this: I was mentally defeated during most of the race. I was in a negative headspace, and it was really not very enjoyable. I felt a lot of not great emotions, self doubt, and like I was generally a terrible athlete who will never be competitive. Looking back at everything now, I’m proud that I didn’t quit. I know that those thoughts and that negative self perception will return again - but next time I have a plan for how I’ll handle them. I remember before the races where I have the most fun, and usually feel best about my performance, I just trust myself to show up and turn it up. It feels like I’ve been trying to force an amazing performance at every race I do this year, fighting myself and not really trusting my ability to compete. It’s significantly more fun to compete and battle than it is to chase an arbitrary time, or finishing place. I think that everyone performs best and feels happiest under different circumstances, and I think for this year, I’ve been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole when it comes to my mental thought process with how I am approaching races. Another reality is that I’ve been stressing myself for too long of a period of time, with a variety of different stressors (work, school, exercise, etc.), and need to eliminate some in order to perform at a higher level and to feel good!

Guardsman Pass w the $quad

My original master plan included racing the LA Triathlon / Oceanside double, but I’ve decided to head into the off-season to give my brain the mental space it needs to recover. I’m loving the fall here in Fort Collins, but pretty soon it’s going to be winter, and I have every intention of riding and swimming outside this winter for the first time in years. So in a few weeks, I head down to Tucson Arizona, where I will be positioned firmly between the pool and the bike path. I’m looking forward to the chance to improve all around as an athlete, and spend the winter working hard with my friends in a place that I love to be!

Wattslayer Camp 2020... Good memories

2021 Slayer Camp - Loveland Pass

I will not miss the snow in Utah